Ramblings of a Restless Soul

Have you ever faced a situation where you know pretty well that you are being stupid, that you are making a fool of yourself, and yet can’t stop yourself from doing that?

Everyone feels helpless at some time or the other. In most of the cases, you feel helpless because your situation is beyond your control, the external forces which are blocking your movement towards some goal prove to be more powerful than you, or you are not able to do something you badly want to because of the fear of consequences.

But you also feel helpless when a part of you fights against another part, when one part tries to restrain the other, and the other wants to break free of any such control. Your rational mind understands perfectly what is right and what is wrong, but the irrational part of your self doesn’t listen to the reasoning and arguments at all; it keeps straining at the leashes to break free and jump in the abyss with utter disregard for the consequences as if consumed by an inexorable death wish. The struggle goes on and on…the warring parts keep at each other. The Lakshman Rekha is breached by a few inches, and then the part being restrained is pulled back firmly to this side of the Rekha. You get extremely tired of watching this struggle, and give up lending support to either sides. You are unable to concentrate on anything and suffer the torment silently and resignedly.

Now you just watch. You see three entities within you: two of them engaged in almost a mortal combat, and the third one watching them dispassionately, and helplessly. You wonder how many of you are residing within the single you.

Whatever the outcome of such a struggle, the immediate benefit you derive is that you move inwards. You start exploring your inner world, and a new and deeper vision descends upon you. You understand why a part wants to break free and commit harakiri, and why the other one wants to restrain it. One says, “Bahut maza aayega”, and the other says, “Moorkh, pachhtayega”. The third one knows that both are right in a way. Certain things while being extremely painful are also immensely pleasureable. You, watching from the sidelines, are sorely tempted and greatly fearful at the same time.  And no matter who wins, scars would be left behind, an ache would become your companion which would be enjoyable at times, and painful at others. But you become more aware of yourself and your feelings. You look at the world with a fresh perspective and a deeper understanding. Instead of flowing with the river of time unconsiously, you become aware of the flow, and a serenity may dawn upon your being which would last for quite some time.

Such conflicts also open up old wounds from the past which were almost forgotten. The pain increases many fold, and your situation becomes similar to a long time alcoholic. When he is sober, his hands and feet shake like leaves in a wind, and he is unable to do anything. Give him a drink or two, and he becomes stable again, and snaps back to normal. But the effects of the drink would last only for a short duration, and the poor thing would be worse off next time. What to do about an addictive medicine?

I guess there is only one solution to such a problem. Let the things take their own course. You know that you can’t do much, then why bother at all. Wait patiently for the final outcome, and face the consequences stoically. I am reminded of a beautiful Geet by Gurudeo Rabindranath Tagore:

My desires are many 

and my cry is pitiful,

but ever didst thou save me

 by hard refusals;

 and this strong mercy

 has been wrought into my life

 through and through.

Day by day

 thou art making me

 worthy of the simple,

 great gifts

that thou gavest to me unasked

this sky and the light,

 this body and the life

 and the mind

saving me

from perils of overmuch desire.

There are times

when I languidly linger

 and times

 when I awaken and hurry

 in search of my goal;

 but cruelly thou hidest

 thyself from before me.

Day by day

 thou art making me

 worthy of thy full acceptance

 by refusing me ever and anon,

 saving me

from perils of weak,

 uncertain desire.

A  friend recently wrote to me the following:

 

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Try as I may I could never define
What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me wherever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Before I start my rambling today, let me wish everyone a Happy New Year. May you all taste all the success you have been working and/or hoping for.

As the clock ticks its way to 00:00 hours, the whole world seems to be in a frenzy to welcome the new year 2010 and bid adieu to 2009. Such occasions make me wonder: will the coming dawn be really any different from what we had today?

As far as I can see, there will be nothing remarkably new except the Calendars hung at different locations in our homes and offices. The sun rising will be same old sun, the nature of tasks to be accomplished in the office or at home will remain the same, as will everything else.

On the other hand we can’t deny that the morning of the 1st of January does seem different than 364 or so other mornings. So what makes it different?

IMHO, it is a purely psychological thing. We, the humans as a collective, choose to believe that the morning of 1st of January is something special, more enjoyable and fresher than all the mornings we experienced during the year, and as a result of this choice the morning does appear to be different than the hundreds of other mornings we saw during the passing year.

This fact demonstrates a tremendously significant truth in our lives: things are as we choose to perceive them.

Just think about the statement for a moment. Isn’t it true that the whole world is relatively happier on 31st of December and the 1st of January every year? It is easy to see or demonstrate that these days have nothing special about them to make the world happier; it is just that the people choose to be happier on these days. Probably one of the greatest truths in human life can be stated in simple terms:

We are miserable or happy because we choose to be so!!!

It all boils down to our own choices we make consciously or subconsciously, doesn’t it?

Sigh….

How time flies; my first post was published more than a year ago, and the second one is germinating right now.

I do wonder many a times: has the passing of time actually accelerated, or is it only the psychological time which has? I suspect it is the latter. I think this feeling of accelerated time is due to the fact that our time, if you think of it as some sort of container, has become too full of things to do. We hardly have any free time. It is really unfortunate in the extreme because “time” is only the only true wealth for us. And why wealth, “time” is actually the life itself. What do we mean when we say that a person lived for 80 years? Don’t we mean he had 80 years’ time at his disposal?

It truly saddens me to see what we  do with this time or life we have.

Anyway, enough of this episode of rambling. I was reminded of this blog by my closest friend Yogesh. Yesterday he told me that he was thinking of starting his own blog, and naturally I agreed with him that it was a pretty good idea. Each one of us has many ideas to express. We do express them, but most of us do it in the real world with real vocal words which leave no footprint on the sands of time. We should try to do it in the virtual world of the internet. Ain’t it funny that what you do in the real world becomes virtual or non-existent the very next moment after you do it, and what you do in the virtual world might keep existing even after you are no more on this earth? LOL.

I think this time I will surely succeed in immortalizing some of my memories.

Yes, Hello Myself.

It has been quite some time since I have been thinking of recording events, characters and memories which are significant to me for some reason or other. Call it lethargy or inertia, the thought remained as what it was, a thought.

Today, I decided to take the plunge. Life is so uncertain. You do not know for sure if you will wake up next morning or not. We are not getting any younger, are we? Even though I am not that old, the wear and tear due to time have started becoming apparent. The memory, which was once almost a photographic one, has started giving slips sometimes. The mind feels a bit burdened by all the responsibilities of work and home. The body, well you know, is not getting more energised everyday; I will confess though, that I am not helping it as much as I should to maintain its energy levels.

I also remember listening, in my childhood, the interesting events in my parents’ lives. My father has a great way of narrating incidents in his past. As a child, I was greatly fascinated by what he narrated to us; the incidents seemed far more fascinating to me than any stories told in various story books and magazines. These days, I find my kids equally enchanted by the stories of my childhood and early years.

I have often wished that my father could write down his memories. I made him agree to do this and even provided him with the best note-book I could lay my hands on. Unfortunately, after making a start, he has not written much. Initially, I was greatly disappointed about it. But when I realized my own inertia in doing the same, I have forgiven him .

I think there cannot be a single human being on this earth whose life story will be any less interesting than anything one has ever read. The only trouble is that these stories are lost with the person. The children might remember some of the stories of their parents, but since they are not able to write down even their own stories, the stories of their parents are lost with them forever.

The internet, in my humble opinion, should be classified as one of the human beings’ greatest inventions. It has really enabled them like no other invention of the past has done. The whole world of information is on your fingertips (who knew that this ancient phrase, “on your fingertips” will become a reality one day considering the mouse and keyboards we are using ). One of my childhood fantasies was to have a library which would contain books more than I could ever read. I used to fantasize that I will not have to work at all for livelihood and the only task in my life would be to read the books in my library. My fantasy has come true at least partially. Even though I have to slog more than eight hours everyday of my life for earning my livelihood, I have really acquired an inexhaustible library in the form of the internet.

Do you think that “blog” is an inappropriate name and the proper one would have been “Incoherent Rambling”?  LOL.

So, here I go.

Ashok