How adept I am becoming in pretending these days! It must be the result of the practice of last ten months or so! I have been sending jokes to my friends, cringing every time I sent those jokes even at the risk of offending some of them.
It has been a pretty poor attempt of mine to keep pretending that I have been feeling humourous. I do have a little sense of humour, but I can be really humourous only when I feel happy. But, such happy occasions have been extremely rare during last one year. I have stated a few times during the period that I was passing through some kind of hell, but I didn’t know then that hell could be even worse! I am now afraid of naming what I am going through presently.
I have always considered “trust” as one of my strong virtues. I have always trusted the better side of people by default, and have always been rewarded by being trusted back in return. In fact, I have always felt proud of how trustworthy I come across to people around me. And it has been not because of my ability to pretend, but my ability to trust and my penchant to be truthful and honest even at the risk of sounding unpalatable to most of the people around me.
Exactly a month back, I received the shock of my life; one of my closest friends, V, implied that I was not trustworthy and that I had been trying to take advantage of him! Trying to take advantage? What the hell were you talking about, V? Were you in your senses at that time? Would you please show some guts by defining in what way I had been trying to take advantage of you?
I don’t know what about me was, or has been, bugging you. But it was an unpardonable accusation from you. It broke my heart to pieces, and it would take some time for me to get over this earthquake. It is true that I have been a tad touchy for various reasons in my personal life. I might have behaved in some unreasonable ways too, but you were well aware of the reasons, weren’t you? However, I am not aware of what made you feel like that. I would very much like to know, but I doubt if I would ever be able to make myself confront and ask you about it. I feel shattered, angry and broken. And it has come to pass only because I considered you as one of my best friends. I opened myself completely before you. I have been a strong votary of openness; but I now have some doubts about it. Is it really worth it to open yourself to some other human being completely?
I could have pretended to be a person different from what I am. I could have pretended to not being bothered by certain acts of omission or commission by you. I could have pretended to be a person having a larger heart than I really have. I could have probably fooled you, but would it have been worth it? Would I have derived any pleasure from those pretensions? I know that I wouldn’t have. How would have I faced myself in moments of solitude then?
It’s been a month since I took leave of you. There was a faint hope in my heart that you would perhaps realise your folly, and make amends for it. But you didn’t.