The inevitable happened on the night of 23rd. Babuji, as we siblings used to call our father, left for heavenly abode. The misfortune of discovering it befell on my shoulders. I will never forget the moments on the morning of 24th, when I discovered that he had left us permanently. He had been a source of strength to me whenever I needed him. Ever since I became aware of my existence, he had been there to guide me whenever I approached him. Parents are like a permanent feature in your existence till you lose them, and it is devastating to lose them.
During the last two weeks or so, since the passing away of my father, I have contemplated a lot. The option of leaving everything behind, to venture into a totally unplanned and uncharted course of life, and to live like the vagabond I have always been lures me very strongly these days.
I have always been a vagabond deep inside. I have fantasized often about leaving everything behind, and seeking out a new, unknown kind of existence; to try and see what plunging myself consciously into the unknown brings to me. Unfortunately, I have a free spirit caged into a timid body. I have been a rebel ever since my childhood, but never had the audacity to take my rebelliousness to its culmination.
The restlessness I feel within has become intolerable. The need to rediscover myself has turned into a crisis. I feel like giving it all up, and go live somewhere no one would know me. The current state of mine is not solely due to the demise of my father. I have already been raw for some time. Something came, filled me with heavenly pleasure, soaked my being with a warmth unimaginable, and then suddenly left leaving me poorer and weaker than I was before. The death only struck probably the final nail.
No matter what I do or don’t do in the future, I would never be the same as before. Something fundamental has changed within myself. The background was there, the preparation was there, and finally it has happened.
Within the next year or two, my life is surely going to take some unforeseen turn.