Have you ever watched life slowly ebbing out of a person very dear to you?
It is a peculiar kind of experience. You run through the whole gamut of extreme emotions. I have been experiencing it for the last two weeks or so. My father, it seems, is on the verge of transmigration. Watching him progressively getting weaker and weaker has left me totally on the mercy of the storms of all sorts of emotions. I seem to have lost total control of myself. I have undergone a series of very intense catharses, hurting myself and others in the process.
Today, it seems that his end is very near. I don’t think it would take more than a week. It might happen even tonight. But paradoxially, I am feeling so serene at this moment. Life seems so meaningless, as if it doesn’t matter at all. As if nothing matters anymore. The pain, the pleasure, the security, the perils – nothing matters in the end. What matters is this very moment. How? It is very difficult to put in words. You just know that this very moment is all that matters. You get sucked into this moment deeper and deeper, and it feels so peaceful. You don’t want to come out of it.
I am sitting near his bed, using my laptop to write this post. From the moment I have started feeling this serenity, he seems to have calmed down too. It seems my calm has rubbed onto him. It is good. I will sign off now, and try to remain in this very moment for as long as I can.